I complained yesterday that I didn’t know why I was tired.
I usually consider statements like that to be imbecilic, because few of us (without medical conditions) are actually unaware of why we are tired, or hungry, or irritable.
There’s always a reason… and we usually know within five guesses what that reason is.
We just pretend that we don’t know, because a firm declaration of “I’m hungry because I haven’t eaten” lacks the emotional impact of a whined, “Why am I STARVING right now?!”
Is it not obvious?
I decided to take a look at my calendar and realized that several nights each week involve an activity of some kind, usually right after I get home from work. After returning home from these activities, I fall promptly to sleep, leaving laundry undone, room uncleaned, and face unwashed.
It is a testament to my skin care products that I even still have a face.
Of course, when I am trying to go to sleep, I will lie awake for what feels like (and in some cases, actually are) hours and hours.
I used a sleep monitor app for awhile, which I deleted, because the horrible thing kept informing me that my sleep was only “78% effective.”
It felt like a judgment.
Who needs judgy apps on one’s phone?
Here lies my dilemma: None of the nocturnal activities mentioned are things that I can/ want to give up.
I enjoy these activities and, after years of having an empty calendar, I do find some satisfaction in seeing the various color-coded items listed.
What I do not enjoy is feeling that I have sucked back entire handfuls of Benadryl on a daily basis. It’s much too early in the year to feel sluggish and lethargic.
Can I assume that I will eventually adjust to this fuller schedule? While I would like to assume that my life will eventually be quiet and simple, I have an entire lifetime behind me that indicates otherwise, so wouldn’t it be expedient to just grow in this area now? Should I just front load the caffeine and maintain a coffee buzz? While I do enjoy a good cup of coffee (emphasis on good… you say you like coffee, and people start just throwing all sorts of dreck at you), that seems rather an artificial way to live. Should I try a new alarm clock, one that will simulate the incessant chirping of birds or dew falling lightly upon grass, or the sound of an airplane engine? Should I sleep with lights on? Lights off? Ceiling fan? Blankets? No blankets? Window open? Window closed? Hypnosis? Classical music?
Maybe I should watch “The Great Behemoth.”
Despite being an adult, I am still somewhat terrified of that thing, which will force me to sleep the sleep of the dead out of sheer self-preservation, thereby guaranteeing that I am bright of eye come the morning.