I can’t even tell you the number of times that I’ve nearly been dismembered under the light of a silvery moon by a new werewolf boyfriend, or discovered that my new vampire beau has just eaten my entire life group while I was fetching the scones from the kitchen. Ladies, this has happened to all of us, right?
In hindsight, those relationships were clearly on the rocks, but what with mystique and the preternatural strength and the what-not, what’s a girl to do?
The post below, written by Peter Haas (author of Pharisectomy… think about it, won’t you?), is absolutely life saving, and not just in the figurative sense. Finally, a sensible guide to surviving supernaturals! Perhaps a future blog will list some tips on dating aliens… that seems fraught with unexpected perils.
Also, check out parts 1 and 2 of the series.
Dating Without Dying -Part 3
Help, I’m dating a Vampire (or Werewolf)!
By popular demand, I decided to add a part 3 to my blog series, “Dating without dying.” Naturally, having a church where upwards of 70% of our attendees are under age 34, I’ve seen a lot of dating nightmares. (And if you haven’t read them, here’s a link to Part 1 & Part 2).
And yet, I haven’t answered the most important question of all: What if you’re dating a vampire or a werewolf? Of course, there’s a huge rise in vampire and werewolf dating since the Twilight movies came out – a disturbing trend to say the least. I thought about devoting this blog to the question: “What about dating pirates?” But, Johnny Depp is so 2007. So, seriously, if you find yourself “imprinting” with a werewolf or vampire, at least heed the following guidelines.
If you’re dating a vampire… make sure he’s a Christian vampire (the blood of Christ is the only thing that truly satisfies). As per our last blog: Make sure he/she (said-vampire) has, at least, 4-7 intimate Christian friends and a ministry in a local church. Don’t date one of those vampires who’s technically a “Christian” yet has all sorts of “problems” with the local church. I know that churches and vampires have a long problematic history; and, I know that churches can be less than perfect; but, the church is God’s hope for the world. And Christ’s relationship to the church (the bride of Christ) is actually the ultimate template for marriage (see Eph. 5).
So, don’t date any Christian vampire who has so many opinions about church that they’re virtually incompatible with it. Many of them will try to confuse you with intense theories about home-churches or how tithing is wrong (even though they ironically never truly commit themselves to fellowship or financial generosity). They usually have sad stories about how Christians tried to drive a cross-shaped stake through their chests (at that one youth-group sleep-over); but, theyare the ones doing most of the biting. Inevitably, they will suck the life out of your spirituality (pardon the pun).
But you rebut: “I can change him!! He told me I have an ‘old soul!’” But listen to me Loved One: Have you ever bitten a vampire and they became normal? No you haven’t! Indeed, last time you bit someone, you probably got fired from your job to prevent a lawsuit – (once again, see point #1, in part one).
Lastly, don’t be wowed by their successful jobs and apparent academic “success” (see the picture below). If you could retake your senior year of high-school a hundred times, you’d look smart too. Indeed, if a vampire was really living up to his/her (said vampire’s) potential, they should be at a Mark Zuckerberg level (which, on a side note, really gets me thinking.) Long-story-short: If your vampire had 300 years to do something, and they’re still average, this vampire isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.
James C Calhourn, Seventh Vice-President of the U.S. – But we know what you really are.
Werewolves are a totally different issue. Sure, werewolves might be hot both literally and figuratively – a dead give-away is that they love to slowly take their shirts off – (not to be confused with Fabio – who has a totally different issue). Werewolves often hide anger issues. Thus, Prov. 22:24 “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered.”
Thankfully, Jesus had a lot to say about “wolves”. And, if you’ve read my book Pharisectomy, I devoted two entire chapters to “rabbid dogs” (pet-purposes) and how they affect your church experiences. So, as we talk about werewolves, the parallels will blow your stinkin’ mind away.
Werewolves love to debate theology more than is healthy. They’re usually not Calvinists (that’s a vampire thing). Rather, they howl about end-times theology (probably, because of the moon turning to blood). But their defining attribute is that they get a bit over-passionate and hot-tempered about church debates in general.
So keep in mind: You want to be married to a person who picks their battles wisely. When less than 9.1% of Americans even consistently go to an evangelical or charismatic church of any kind, we can’t afford to allow werewolves “in sheep’s clothing” to lure us into their ill-advised civil wars. Remember, “wisdom from heaven is …peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy,” etc. (James 3:17). So stay away from anyone who advocates “truth” to the exclusion of these characteristics. After all, they will make the same mistakes when it comes to marriage.
Unlike a werewolf, you want to be married to a good communicator – a person who “fights fair.” Prov. 16:32 “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.” As any good marriage counselor would say: “Talk out your emotions. Don’t act them out.” And werewolves have a tragic history of doing the latter. Of course, they always rationalize their bad behavior saying: “No one understands me!” (as they abandon you to run off with their “pack” at the local sports bar.) But there are plenty of good hairy men who channel their emotions towards healthy activities, like working out, or dog rehabilitation (see the Dog Whisperer).
Common Myths about Single Vampires and Werewolves:
– Myth: They shrink back when they see a crucifix: Actually, they still wear cross necklaces and get Christian tattoos. Don’t fall for their “I’m-technically-a-Christian” routine.
– Myth: Vampires primarily live in Seattle. As I write this in late Winter, half of Minneapolis looks like a vampire. And yes, vampires definitely fit-in better in northern places—but we know better…(Angelina Jolie & Cher… you haven’t fooled me one bit.)
– Myth: Most Vampires believe in Abstinence. Dear children, it’s time you grow wise to the ways of this world. Vampires always have ulterior motives. And especially, don’t fall for the classic werewolf pick-up line to warm you up on their bare-chest. (F.Y.I., Most werewolves don’t have “bare chests” …DUH! …only in Hollywood!)
Also Note: In part one of my “Dating without Dying” series, I stated that “who you are is who you attract.” So, if you keep attracting vampires and werewolves, you should consider that, just maybe, you are one. You probably just thought, “Wow, I sunburn easily!” Or, “why do my close friends keep dying?” (& other such things). So, once again, as stated in part two of this series, Find a good Christian Mentor who can help you! Your life doesn’t have to suck (once again, pardon the pun).
Last but not least… don’t marry anyone who doesn’t have a sense of humor. Life is hard enough. You need to smile, even when it comes to serious issues. If you seriously object to the vampire humor in this blog, then you will absolutely enjoy my book “Pharisectomy”— written just for you (& wolves).
As always, stay full of the “righteousness, joy, and peace of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 14:17). And join us this Easter! We’re launching an amazing new series on the toughest questions about faith. And I mean tough questions: ”How do we know God exists? Why do we believe the Bible? How can a loving God create hell?” So don’t miss it! We’ve been prepping for months! Love you guys!