Facial Hair: The Brutal Truth

Confession: I love facial hair.
On men, to be clear… ladies with mustaches have never really been my favorite aesthetic choice… but men with proper facial hair are beautiful.
Don’t believe me? Give “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” a watch.
Lumberjacks, every one of ’em, and they are glorious (of course, they all start shaving to prepare for the courting [i.e. kidnapping], but ignore that bit).
Remember when Bruce Boxleitner had a mustache?
Well, I DO.
Facial hair can be a fantastic accessory (again, FOR A MAN, ladies… this isn’t for you).
Now that I’ve said that, let’s lay some ground rules:

1) Every man can’t have facial hair.
There is no shame in being clean shaven if your face just won’t have it any other way.
Don’t force the issue.
If you can’t grow facial hair, then shave.
SHAVE.
SHAVE YOUR FACE.
It’s okay… no one is judging your silky smooth baby skin, okay?
If your mustache looks like a worm that’s been out in the sun, then give up the ghost, sir.
It’s fine!
Know your limitations and embrace your face.

2) Any facial hair is NOT the same as good facial hair.
Gentlemen.
IF YOU LOOK LIKE DUCK DYNASTY.
STOP.
If you drop food from your fork, and it gets tangled in your beard… at your midsection… then I question every decision that you’ve ever made.
If you have insects and small animals living in your beard, then you are doing it wrong.
If you have to move your beard out of the way to button your shirt… I… just… no, guys! NO!
I mean, I can’t even look at you right now.
What are you thinking?!
Are you Father Christmas?!
STOP THAT!
If you have a mustache, don’t twirl the ends (ROLLIE FINGERS). If it extends past the sides of your face, you’ve taken a good thing too darn far. There is facial hair that make you look like a rugged cowboy, and then there is facial hair that makes you look like you sleep under an overpass. Learn to recognize the difference, and err on the side of cowboy, I beg you.

3) Groomed facial hair is no joke.
Facial hair is a living thing that must be loved and cared for.
Don’t be that guy that just lets his facial hair sprout all willy nilly. Invest in a Norelco and keep your mustache and beard precisely where they should be.
Do you want your face to look like a tumbleweed?
Of course not.
You want Tom Selleck or Sam Elliott or David Beckham or CHUCK NORRIS, you guys!
You do
 not want Brad Pitt.

The bottom line is this: men’s faces look the best doing what their faces do naturally. If you can grow hair on your face, then that’s a great option for you (as long as you take care of it, for goodness sake).
If you can’t, DON’T TRY. Don’t get beard implants (what are you, just giving money away?), don’t do the whole awkward patchy thing (don’t advertise that you’re struggling), and unless your name is Snidely Whiplash or Salvador Dali, a pencil-thin mustache (I like to call it “The Dastardly”) isn’t really the best choice for anyone.
For goodness sake, don’t be Rollie Fingers.
Don’t ever be Rollie Fingers.

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2 thoughts on “Facial Hair: The Brutal Truth

  1. I have had a mustache for most of my life. Reason I have a small spot under my nose that bleeds when I shave there. Solution a mustache. My wife has never seen me without it. We have been married since 1970. Even I do not know what I look like without it.

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  2. My sweet and wonderful husband has kept his neatly trimmed beard and mustache throughout more than 20 years of marriage just because I like it so much. Over the years it has gone from nearly black to salt ‘n’ pepper to almost completely white now. He looks better than ever. I (and our daughter) have never seen him without it and have only one or two photos from his youth without the beard. We weren’t convinced it was him in the photos but he swears that’s what his chin looks like.

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