No Need to Explain

I’m not an unfriendly person.
Sidebar: Anyone who begins a conversation in such a manner is most probably unrepentantly unfriendly and is most probably trying to pull fluffy wool over your eyes. Stay alert.
I like animals and small children (the nice ones, of course) and people in manageable doses.
I believe in equal rights for pigs and crop circles and water wells and free education.
I have been known to tear up during certain films (ugh, the end of the Terminator… can you stand it?!), and I once, very spontaneously hugged a mentor figure when she told me that she was pregnant.
She was shocked.
I was rather shocked myself.
I just flung myself at her, all gangly teenage arms and legs, without meaning to.
Everything went sort-of blurry, and then I found myself all tangled up with another person.
All that to say… I’m a decent sort-of chap… until you start explaining things that I don’t care about.

I don’t mean explaining concepts.
Go ahead… explain ALL the concepts… I will sit there all day (with tea and a lovely bacon sandwich, if you don’t mind).
But don’t explain your behavior.
Chances are, I already know why you did what you did (or, at the very least, I have an extremely well thought out line of reasoning that is, by current statistics, 99.99% correct)… or I might not care.
Not to be hateful, but I really might not care.
I may have no particular interest in knowing why you’re habitually late, or why you prefer to wear blue socks or why you didn’t watch last night’s Face Off.
I might care… but then again, I might not, and if you’re not sure, it’s probably the latter.

Are you just whining about something that we’ve discussed 100 times before, and you’re steadfastly refusing to do anything to rectify the situation?
Don’t tell me.
I’m going to go all steely gimlet-eyed and frozen smiley-faced and I promise that I will be of no comfort to you.
I’m not trying to be rude… it’s just that I’m not listening because I’ve heard this song before, and I’m frustrated by (my perception of) your inability to apply obvious solutions or to adapt to your change in circumstances.
I can’t help you, therefore, my mind resents hearing the repeated information.

Are you explaining something obvious?
Well… stop.
If I have a question, I’ll ask it.

Are you explaining why you did something wrong?
Don’t.
It isn’t necessary.
Don’t explain, and don’t apologize.
Just don’t ever do it again.

Are you explaining something about cats?
Anthropology?
Physics?
History?
How you lost the tip of your left thumb in an industrial accident in Burkina Faso?
Go ahead. Knock yourself out.
You may consider me your captive audience.