On Friday the 20th, I accidentally stabbed myself in the finger with a knife.
It was an avocado accident.
As I bled all over my kitchen, I recall saying something about just how much that week had sucked and to cap the whole affair off with plunging a knife into a poor defenseless finger… let’s just say that I was not best pleased.
Happily, my finger has healed up quite nicely, and being a nerd, I’ve been rather fascinated with the whole process (not to mention how much blood can pour out of an appendage so small). I had a restful week, a lovely Christmas, and a spirited viewing of the nonsensical Doctor Who Christmas Special with friends (it was a bit of a let down, sorry to say… the episode, not the friends…).
Now, quite rested and not in the possession of any extra holiday pounds, I’ve been thinking about the upcoming year.
I’m not going to make any resolutions.
I kept a few of the ones that I made last year, but I don’t really need the extra pressure. All of the things that I want to do will still be on my “to-do” list without needing to, say, stab myself in the finger with a knife if I don’t master them in 2014.
I kid.
No, really, that was an avocado accident.
It has been suggested (this morning, in fact) that I look for a husband in 2014… because people are both hilarious and sensitive. After more discussions about my singleness than I’m comfortable with this month, I really don’t need pointed jokes on the subject.
Also, where precisely am I supposed to be looking?
Is there a husband dealership somewhere? Do they sell husbands on the black market? Is there an underground racket for husbands?
Are there epic quests I must complete for a husband to appear like the Goblet of Fire?
Is there a magical map?
And what will he be doing while I’m looking? Is he actively running in the opposite direction (are we playing “Capture the Flag”?), or is he sitting at his desk eating bon-bons?
Am I required to bring more bon-bons as a bribe?
Shall I dress like Hunter from Neverwhere and carry a great spear?
Would that be attractive or terrifying? I can never tell…
One day, I shall have cards printed to inform people that they have breached the boundaries of good taste and are therefore invited to pull their beaks out of my business.
Maybe I’ll do that in 2014… beautiful little embossed and monogrammed “nunya bidness” cards.
I am, in general, looking forward to 2014… not because I expect anything to change greatly, but because there’s simply nowhere else to look.
2013 is essentially over, and it was a strange little year and I’m not quite sure we were friends, but 2014 is fresh and has no mistakes in it yet.
I shall, of course, be documenting the mistakes here as they happen.
The Vulcan Voice 
And I shall be reading with glee.
“One day, I shall have cards printed to inform people that they have breached the boundaries of good taste and are therefore invited to pull their beaks out of my business.”
You should. I would enjoy that. What a great way to deal with impertinent questions. Instead of finding some awkward way to respond that is not equally rude, or self-deprecating, or funny about a situation you may not find funny, just whip out a card, present it with a bow, and walk away. This could also be useful for the couple struggling to have a baby, the family with eight dozen children, the introvert who doesn’t want to be the life of the party, thank you, and anyone else who is forced to deal with stupid and insensitive questions about personal subjects. You could sell them on Etsy.
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Surely there used to be a perfectly acceptable way to snub such people (short of striking them in the face and demanding satisfaction, of course)… Can’t I just quirk an imperious brow, lift my chin slightly and say, in an icy tone, “Aren’t you amusing?”
The cards would be much easier.
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My preferred manner is to give them an amused look, like they’ve just been a very silly, foolish, small child. Especially if they’re *trying* to be obnoxious. Treating people who are trying to be obnoxious as if they’re small, foolish, and amusing is awesome.
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The cards, not the people.
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Can I GIVE the people away, though? “Here, strange place far away. Enjoy this gift of a slightly obnoxious American.”
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